The life that we live

I love my best friend. I love my best friend! But he sure knows how to hurt me. Some how he and I began talking about relationships and how ours has been pretty rocky in the past. See when he first found out that I love him he pushed me away pretty fast and pretty hard. There are other factors that I can’t get into but he just felt that I would only ruin my chances at happiness if I were with him. Of course I didn’t and don’t believe that to be true but that is neither here nor there. So any way when he first found out how I felt we stopped talking, for several months. He claims it had nothing to do with this revelation but purely of other circumstances. This is where the conversation turned and things started toward an arguement. I let a comment slip that if it were not for the kids he would never have come back into my life. I have believed that since he had pushed me away. He loves my children and always has. He has always called to check on them and has always sent his love to them, even when he and I barely spoke. Well… He was completely hurt by that statement. He told me of course he cares about me and that of course I had a deciding factor in whether or not he was in our life. This is where I screwed up, I told him that the kids were what held our friendship together when things were bad. Now I don’t know if I was fishing for some kind of confirmation as to how he feels today or what but that was a hurtful thing for me to say. He immediately told me that if I kept saying things like that he would leave. I told him I knew he wouldn’t leave because he couldn’t do that to the kids. He warned me to be careful what I said and as I pushed one last time he simple said good by. My world crashed in that second. I couldn’t believe that I pushed so hard or that I hurt him so much that he would leave. How could I do that? I wrote back to him a few hours later and told him I was sorry for pushing. But in the same sentence I told him that I guess I don’t mean as much to him as he claimed or he couldn’t leave like that. He appologized, SEVERAL TIMES, and told me I was right.. he couldn’t leave us and hurt us like that. He pleaded with me that we never have an arguement like that again. I agreed. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. If I lost him I don’t know what I would do. He is such a major role in my life, in my families life, that it would devistate all of us to loose him. My heart just couldn’t take it. He told me he loves me, as he has several times in our relationship but this time I could feel it different some how. The threat of us loosing each other made things more, I don’t know, real. This is the second year in a row that we had a major blow out for the holidays. I don’t know why we do it, but we seem to test each other to see if the other really will stay. I hope he believes I won’t leave him and I wish I could believe the same. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I hope all goes well but I fear that when he hugs me, when I am in his arms, that I won’t be able to let go. That I will simply stay there and cry. Ugh.. So I have answered my own question… Yes relationships suck!!

I haven’t been feeling real well and kind of cheated with yesterday’s post. It was Not very creative. Today I am back to writing about life and the life I’m involved in. I went through a bit of being sad because I have said more than once that my best friend tells me that he loves me. Well on Halloween he told be but only before he found out some other man asked for my phone number. After that things slowed down a bit. He stopped telling me he loves me and when I would tell him how I feel he would act strange with me and say something like “thanks” or wouldn’t respond at all. I don’t really know how to respond to that other than to stop saying how I feel. I feel like I’m putting myself out there. I just don’t know. It’s not like he has stopped wanting to be around me because he has invited me out to his house several times since then but I just feel strange about the whole thing.

Well I told you all yesterday my best friend stopped telling me he loves me since he found out someone asked me for my telephone number. Well today he was picking on me, he does things just to drive me crazy, and I asked him why he likes to drive me crazy all of the time. He replied “if I didn’t you wouldn’t think I love you”. Well what is THAT? Is that his strange way of telling me that even though someone else is trying to become involved he still loves me? I don’t know because the mind of a man is impossible to figure out. Men think women are hard to understand. HA!! I say what I mean and mean what I say but men, at least this one, says and does things like this.. I guess he just wants me to know he loves me and it has nothing to do with the other guy. I guess it’s that simple but everything Could mean so many things that some times it’s hard to find out exactly what is face value. Ya know what I mean?

He, my best friend, came over yesterday around noon because we had to take my son to the middle school. He came to the house and we all hung out and watched T.V. until about ten o’clock when my kids went to grandma’s house. We were alone. There was no hugging or kissing or anything of the sort. I didn’t expect there to be, however I expected there to be some kind of discussion about either what almost happened between us the day before Halloween or the fact that some guy asked me out. He acted like none of it happened. None of it. What is up with that? I guess I could have brought up either but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I am just as guilty as he is I suppose but what really got me was that when he left he barely hugged me. He came back because he forgot something and gave me one of those side hugs that you would give a kid for doing a good job. So I am just going to try to forget anything almost happened and return to being just friends as we were before. I guess I have one of those just friends guys that I wrote about yesterday morning. I told you ladies, be careful.

A man who has decided he is only going to be friends with you is not likely to change his mind. No amount of sweet little flirting, special dinners, or skimpy outfits are going to change his mind. If you have your heart set on some stud that you have been friends with but he has told you it can only be friends he means it. He isn’t playing games with you, he isn’t trying to tease you, he just doesn’t feel that way about you.

Men are serious when it comes to love, real love that is. If they don’t see things going any where with you and they tell you they are being completely honest and anything they may say or do that seems like a little message to the contrary is a misunderstanding by you. They may care for you a great deal, or even love you, but if they say friendship is as far as it will go I would bet that they mean it. Men aren’t wired like women. A woman can say she only wants to be friends but deep down wonder, “well maybe this could be more”. Men who see a woman as a friend only see her as a friend. If you are dolling up and putting on a fake smile when he is around just to get his attention you are waisting your time. If this is the man you have your hopes on you are bound to get your heart broken so turn and RUN away, don’t walk but run.

Now I won’t say that this is a guaranteed %100 sure thing but I would bet more often on what I just said than not. Don’t get me wrong if things start out as a relationship that is ended on a mutual agreement there may still be a chance that he wants more than friends. If things started out headed for a relationship and something happened that you could only be friends I believe there could be a chance. But if he starts out by telling you “we can be friends” he means it.

If your hopes are hung on a “just friends” guy I’m afraid to tell you it’s time to say good bye. If you can’t be just friends then move on because you will only get your heart broken if you don’t. I have had several guy friends over the years and I know this to be true. My best friend growing up confided in me that he had been saddened because he had lost good friends because they wanted more and he couldn’t make himself do something that he just didn’t feel right about. When men make up their mind it’s pretty hard to change it. When it comes to this I wouldn’t try it because you are going to loose.

I am frustrated and hurt today. I am waiting to get my medication and when I talked to my friend about it the response was ” I have issues with getting prescriptions for every emotional turmoil, but that’s just me” I feel like that is a personal attack. I know that I am just over reacting because of my emotional state but he doesn’t understand because he doesn’t go through the emotional highs and lows of being Bipolar. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be so anxious that you can’t sit still or think about a single thing for more than a few minutes without feeling like you are going to go crazy, then jumping to the next subject. He doesn’t get that you feel sick to your stomach all the time because you are so anxious, or that every muscle hurts because you can’t relax for more than a few seconds. He has never felt a jaw that has been clenched for hours on end just because tension is throughout your body and uncontrollable. He doesn’t know what it’s like to feel like the world has ended and left you behind. What it’s like to physically feel like you have been hit with a brick wall and you can’t even manage getting out of bed. When you sleep for 15 hrs and are still tired being unable to do anything but cry for your sanity. He just doesn’t understand and to hear that He doesn’t think you should use the medication as a crutch infuriates me. I feel like he is telling me that I am making this up or like I’m running away from my feelings. Doesn’t he understand the medication just slows down or calms down the thoughts so that I can deal with my emotions? I am so frustrated right now and I can’t voice this to him because I know I will say something I will regret. I don’t want to hurt him.

I have been sitting on this for a while now. I went through something with my best friend and I’m not sure what to do about it. See we came very close to kissing the day before Halloween a couple of times. Now I don’t know what to do about it because since then both of us have just acted like it never happened. Then on Halloween some guy asked me out and my best friend was not with me so he didn’t know it happened. Unfortunately my son told him about it so I’m not real sure what he is thinking about that because he hasn’t brought that up either. I wish I knew what he was thinking about all of his stuff so that I know how to react to him. I will be seeing him for the first time since all of this in two days and I’m not sure how to feel about it. So wish me luck.

Ok it’s a long story but I am single with a male best friend who is as close to having a partner as you can get without a commitment. So here is how the story goes.. we have been friends for several years now (almost 6 to be exact) and in the begining we considered dating. For reasons that will remain unsaid it was decided that we would not date but stay friends. We went through several years of bouncing back and forth with our friendship sometimes going several months without talking. Well for this last year we have spent every day talking or texting faithfully. I tell him everything like a good best friend and we have gotten so close that even my teenage kids call him dad. (that’s a whole other story) So we started telling each other that we love one another. Strange, yes? Keep in mind there is still no dating or any other kind of intimate interaction. So any way, now he wants me and the kids to move in with him… What do you think? All a bit confusing right? So that is where I stand on the relationship front, a long drawn out confusing situation. So am I single? Well I guess I am, I just have a best friend who happens to be involved in my life decisions.. go figure right?

I once felt a love so fine
In those days you were mine.
Things went bad or so you say
So now I’m here alone today.

I once held you close to me
I still love you can’t you see.
We once walked into the sun
Now I have no more fun.

The sun has set upon our love
It was once pure like a dove.
It’s so hard to say good by
You said you loved me was that a lie?

I see the pain inside your eye
Same as when we said good by.
I hope to see better times
I can say today now I’m fine