The life that we live

I am 33 years old and when my father was 43 he died, ten years older than I am now. His was not a natural death but one of circumstance instead. He was an alcoholic who was in an accident and a year later died due to brain injury so by no means was this a death of natural causes, however since then death has plagued my mind. My mother is now almost 51 years old which is by no means old. She has some on going health issues such as weight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and osteoporosis and I worry about her. I generally talk to her several times a day and if I don’t hear from her by say 10:30 in the morning I get worried and by 11 I go over to her house to check on her. I fear that one day the phone will ring on and on with no one to answer the other end. I am very close with my mother and can’t imagine life without her. The older she gets the more scared I get. Her and I have talked about it and she is not afraid of death, but I on the other hand am. Not of my own death mind you but of the people close to me. I know that is selfish because when people die they are supposed to be going somewhere better, but I want them to stay with me. When I was growing up my father and I were not close. We spoke to each other maybe a couple times a month on a good month. After his accident and the last year of his life he and I began to get closer. I took his death hard and isolated myself from my friends while staying extra close to my kids. I began to worry about what would happen to them if something happened to me. Now I worry about what would happen to my whole family if something happened to my mom. I don’t know how I will deal with her death when it comes but I hope that I will have strength for my children. They love their grandma greatly and aren’t I the adult who is supposed to be strong for my children?

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