The life that we live

I love my best friend. I love my best friend! But he sure knows how to hurt me. Some how he and I began talking about relationships and how ours has been pretty rocky in the past. See when he first found out that I love him he pushed me away pretty fast and pretty hard. There are other factors that I can’t get into but he just felt that I would only ruin my chances at happiness if I were with him. Of course I didn’t and don’t believe that to be true but that is neither here nor there. So any way when he first found out how I felt we stopped talking, for several months. He claims it had nothing to do with this revelation but purely of other circumstances. This is where the conversation turned and things started toward an arguement. I let a comment slip that if it were not for the kids he would never have come back into my life. I have believed that since he had pushed me away. He loves my children and always has. He has always called to check on them and has always sent his love to them, even when he and I barely spoke. Well… He was completely hurt by that statement. He told me of course he cares about me and that of course I had a deciding factor in whether or not he was in our life. This is where I screwed up, I told him that the kids were what held our friendship together when things were bad. Now I don’t know if I was fishing for some kind of confirmation as to how he feels today or what but that was a hurtful thing for me to say. He immediately told me that if I kept saying things like that he would leave. I told him I knew he wouldn’t leave because he couldn’t do that to the kids. He warned me to be careful what I said and as I pushed one last time he simple said good by. My world crashed in that second. I couldn’t believe that I pushed so hard or that I hurt him so much that he would leave. How could I do that? I wrote back to him a few hours later and told him I was sorry for pushing. But in the same sentence I told him that I guess I don’t mean as much to him as he claimed or he couldn’t leave like that. He appologized, SEVERAL TIMES, and told me I was right.. he couldn’t leave us and hurt us like that. He pleaded with me that we never have an arguement like that again. I agreed. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. If I lost him I don’t know what I would do. He is such a major role in my life, in my families life, that it would devistate all of us to loose him. My heart just couldn’t take it. He told me he loves me, as he has several times in our relationship but this time I could feel it different some how. The threat of us loosing each other made things more, I don’t know, real. This is the second year in a row that we had a major blow out for the holidays. I don’t know why we do it, but we seem to test each other to see if the other really will stay. I hope he believes I won’t leave him and I wish I could believe the same. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I hope all goes well but I fear that when he hugs me, when I am in his arms, that I won’t be able to let go. That I will simply stay there and cry. Ugh.. So I have answered my own question… Yes relationships suck!!