The life that we live

I love my best friend. I love my best friend! But he sure knows how to hurt me. Some how he and I began talking about relationships and how ours has been pretty rocky in the past. See when he first found out that I love him he pushed me away pretty fast and pretty hard. There are other factors that I can’t get into but he just felt that I would only ruin my chances at happiness if I were with him. Of course I didn’t and don’t believe that to be true but that is neither here nor there. So any way when he first found out how I felt we stopped talking, for several months. He claims it had nothing to do with this revelation but purely of other circumstances. This is where the conversation turned and things started toward an arguement. I let a comment slip that if it were not for the kids he would never have come back into my life. I have believed that since he had pushed me away. He loves my children and always has. He has always called to check on them and has always sent his love to them, even when he and I barely spoke. Well… He was completely hurt by that statement. He told me of course he cares about me and that of course I had a deciding factor in whether or not he was in our life. This is where I screwed up, I told him that the kids were what held our friendship together when things were bad. Now I don’t know if I was fishing for some kind of confirmation as to how he feels today or what but that was a hurtful thing for me to say. He immediately told me that if I kept saying things like that he would leave. I told him I knew he wouldn’t leave because he couldn’t do that to the kids. He warned me to be careful what I said and as I pushed one last time he simple said good by. My world crashed in that second. I couldn’t believe that I pushed so hard or that I hurt him so much that he would leave. How could I do that? I wrote back to him a few hours later and told him I was sorry for pushing. But in the same sentence I told him that I guess I don’t mean as much to him as he claimed or he couldn’t leave like that. He appologized, SEVERAL TIMES, and told me I was right.. he couldn’t leave us and hurt us like that. He pleaded with me that we never have an arguement like that again. I agreed. I just hope it doesn’t happen again. If I lost him I don’t know what I would do. He is such a major role in my life, in my families life, that it would devistate all of us to loose him. My heart just couldn’t take it. He told me he loves me, as he has several times in our relationship but this time I could feel it different some how. The threat of us loosing each other made things more, I don’t know, real. This is the second year in a row that we had a major blow out for the holidays. I don’t know why we do it, but we seem to test each other to see if the other really will stay. I hope he believes I won’t leave him and I wish I could believe the same. I will be seeing him tomorrow and I hope all goes well but I fear that when he hugs me, when I am in his arms, that I won’t be able to let go. That I will simply stay there and cry. Ugh.. So I have answered my own question… Yes relationships suck!!

I have done most of my Christmas Shopping and was able to avoid the whole Black Friday thing all together. Thank Goodness!! I hate being in the stores with all of those pushy, rude, and grumpy people with no holiday spirit. Black Friday can make anyone loose some holiday spirit and the meaning of the holidays, wondering if everyone is like that all of the time. It’s awful. BUT I got to miss it this year so my holiday cheer is still in tact. I can’t wait until Christmas. I love the joy and love it brings with it. And even with my kids being older, I love watching all of the holiday kids movies like Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, Santa Clause Is Coming To Town, Frosty The Snowman, And the original How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I bought all of them on DVD last year so that we didn’t have to worry about missing them on Television. I love those movies, but my ALL TIME favorite is White Christmas with Bing Crosby. I love that movie. I can watch it any time during the year and it will always cheer me when I’m feeling down. I love when the guys do the girls song in the beginning of the movie. It looks like they had so much fun filming that part. I love when you can tell the actors had fun making a movie. I of course like the other classic Christmas movies but White Christmas always ALWAYS gets me in the holiday spirit. I have that DVD also and am planning on watching it today. Any way that’s what gets me in the holiday spirit, how about you? What gets your Christmas juices flowing?

I told you a few days ago or so that my son was going to start public school. Well he did and so far he loves it! The first day he made a ton of friends and discovered he was and is indeed ahead of his class in his subjects. At least he is not behind. I am so glad he made friends because that has always been a problem for him in public school with him being in the special education programs. I don’t think he will be in special ed this year but we will see. I hope he doesn’t because that is always something tough for him to feel singled out. I know it’s hard when everyone knows that you need extra help. He always says that the other kids think he is dumb. I know kids can be mean but so far everyone is being real nice to him. I think it helps that he is at least four of five inches taller than all of the other kids.. hehe.  Not that he would ever get into a fight or anything but the other kids don’t know that. Any way I hope his positive attitude toward school continues until he graduates and maybe this school will be good for him.

I know I know I promised reciepes but I have no new ones today. Let me see for Thanksgiving I bought a pre made meal from Safeway, I made mashed potatoes, Yams (from a can), an Marie Calender apple pie (yum), corn, and I think that was it. Nope no receipes. We had black olives and green olives on a relish tray as well as pickles and celery with cream cheese or peanut butter and walnuts, or cheese and crackers with apple slices. Oh we did have the stuffing I mentioned earlier with the apples and apple juice. I liked that. This year it wasn’t about the food though, just all about the family. This could very well be my last Thanksgiving that I can eat the way I did. If I get the lap band surgery I won’t be able to eat more than 1/2 cup of food next year. Sounds depressing I know but it’s a necessary evil I guess. It will be difficult to decide which foods I want to include in my meal. I just don’t know. If I had to pick and choose now I think I would have a little bit of turkey and some cranberry sauce. Maybe for lunch I would have some cheese and crackers, I love that with the apples. Cheddar cheese with apple slices is the best. Any way I don’t think I will have the surgery before Christmas so one last holiday to enjoy a little bit of all of the food. I hope your holiday meal was wonderful and your company was entertaining.

The day before Thanksgiving and I should be defrosting a turkey and making sure I have everything for tomorrow’s festivities, well… I am cheating this year. I ordered a turkey dinner from Safeway this year and am NOT cooking. No homemade turkey, No homemade mashed potatoes, No homemade Pie, No homemade gravy, No homemade ANYTHING!! The meal comes with side dishes and even a pumpkin pie. I didn’t know if there would be enough mashed potatoes so I bought some frozen mashed potatoes and they don’t include sweet potatoes so I will make some of those, BUT they will be out of can. I may also buy a frozen apple pie but that’s it.. I am not making anything from scratch. NOTHING. We are eating our meal today instead of tomorrow so that my best friend can stay and hang out for awhile after dinner instead of having to hurry home to get sleep for work. He works early the Friday after Thanksgiving. When I pick up the meal today I will know what else I need. I won’t care about the crowds in the store because I will not be in a rush to get things done. I can move around with leisure and not worry about a thing. I am excited to have a year without being rushed around to make a meal for everyone. I do that every day of the year and think I deserve a break for at least one holiday. Who knows maybe I will do it again for Christmas depending on how Thanksgiving goes.

I don’t know if this transition is harder for me or my son. I am so worried about him being with new kids and a new teacher. I know it’s normal to worry but this is ridiculous. He isn’t in kindergarten he is entering the 6th grade. Homeschooling is so different from public school though. In homeschooling he has freedom to work when it’s convenient. He can study what he wants for as long as he wants and if something is giving him trouble he can take the time to get through it and figure it out not just be rushed on to the next step. I also hate that he will not be learning as much as he does homeschooling. My son started out being behind everyone at public school when I first pulled him out to homeschool him and now he is at least a year ahead of his fellow students, if not further ahead. In some ways that is good because he isn’t going to be behind starting this late in the year, and he can take his time and ease back into school. This could be real bad though because I don’t want him to get bored with school and not learn anything new. The stuff his class will be finishing the school year with in history my son did the beginning of last year so as I said he is at least a year ahead of the rest of them. If he was comparing himself to another homeschool student he would be a year ahead but it could definitely be more for a public school kid. I hope this is enough of a challenge for him. I can’t wait until it’s time for him to come home.

Well as I said in the other blog my son starts school tomorrow. I am nervous about him going. It seems so sudden. I know he mainly wants to go to public school to make more friends and he will have that chance but I am bummed out that he will not be ahead of his peers as he is with homeschooling. He had that extra advantage that they didn’t have. This year alone he is an entire year ahead of the students he is going to be in school with and that’s with us taking our time and spending extra time on things that he has found interesting throughout the course of homeschooling. Sometimes he spends weeks on one thing because he wants to learn the subject inside and out. I am going to continue to work on the Sign Language and possibly the Latin at home with him on top of his regular school work if his homework isn’t to time consuming. I hope this is worth it.

It is nearing the end of November and I have all of my Christmas shopping almost done. I have all of my cards filled out and ready to go. I have my holiday meals planned. So when do I start sending out Christmas cards? Is the end of November to soon? Should I wait until the beginning of December? I have cards going all across the country and want to make sure they get there at least a little bit of time before Christmas. I’ve decided on Thanksgiving day I am going to mail everything out. I hope it’s not to early for everyone. I figure with the holiday mail and things it should get there near the beginning of December. I know I like getting my cards early in December because I use them as part of my decorations. I hang them on my wall or around my door frame.

I am starting to wrap presents too. Is it to early? My kids are older so I don’t have to worry about Santa Claus and why his presents are here early. I like the look of a tree with presents under it. So I guess I’m going to do that too on Thanksgiving. See I wrap the presents almost as soon as I buy them so that I don’t have to worry about hiding them for a long period of time with the chance of my kids finding them.

Now for the meal. I started planning my Christmas Meal already. I will start buying the food the beginning of December and just store it somewhere until Christmas. The only thing I won’t buy until later is my Ham and that is only because I won’t have room in my freezer. I usually buy a decent sized one because we have anywhere from 6 to 8 adults or a few adults and my growing teen children who eat like several adults. I am one of those people who has to be prepared ahead of time or I get all anxious and nervous that I will forget something. I am also one of those people who are always early too but that’s a whole other story. So any way, when do you do these things? Are you an early bird or do you wait for the last minute?

That is an interesting question and depending on who you ask there is a whole range of answers. You can blog on social networks, on personal blogs, on paying blogs, or half a dozen other places. Well me I like to blog here well of course I do because I get paid for it, but also because there is a wide variety of people who see my blog. People from all walks of life from all around the world can see my blog and read it at will. They also have the opportunity to read previous blogs in all of, or some of, or even one of my catagories. They can pick and chose. I also blog on places like CafeMom. I love it there. Women who may be feeling the way I do that day or who can relate to a single statement in my title are exposed to my words. I love it. I write in places like Myspace also but for some reason, and I’m not sure why, I don’t like Myspace as much as my other outlets. I love to blog and on any given day I write at least 6 blog entries on topics ranging from anything to nothing. I talk about daily life and I talk about things important to me. Sometimes I even talk about silly things that don’t matter much to any one but that people can relate to any way. I want people to be able to relate to the things that I write but when they don’t I want them to see into my point of view. When I write I don’t think about what kind of money I can make, if any, I think about what’s on my mind at that moment. Sometimes it’s important, sometimes it’s not but whether it is or not it is always coming from me, from my thoughts, from my mind, from my heart, from my soul. It’s all me. I am sharing what is on my mind at that moment.

I am 33 years old and when my father was 43 he died, ten years older than I am now. His was not a natural death but one of circumstance instead. He was an alcoholic who was in an accident and a year later died due to brain injury so by no means was this a death of natural causes, however since then death has plagued my mind. My mother is now almost 51 years old which is by no means old. She has some on going health issues such as weight, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and osteoporosis and I worry about her. I generally talk to her several times a day and if I don’t hear from her by say 10:30 in the morning I get worried and by 11 I go over to her house to check on her. I fear that one day the phone will ring on and on with no one to answer the other end. I am very close with my mother and can’t imagine life without her. The older she gets the more scared I get. Her and I have talked about it and she is not afraid of death, but I on the other hand am. Not of my own death mind you but of the people close to me. I know that is selfish because when people die they are supposed to be going somewhere better, but I want them to stay with me. When I was growing up my father and I were not close. We spoke to each other maybe a couple times a month on a good month. After his accident and the last year of his life he and I began to get closer. I took his death hard and isolated myself from my friends while staying extra close to my kids. I began to worry about what would happen to them if something happened to me. Now I worry about what would happen to my whole family if something happened to my mom. I don’t know how I will deal with her death when it comes but I hope that I will have strength for my children. They love their grandma greatly and aren’t I the adult who is supposed to be strong for my children?